Instead of Comparison, Let’s Try Self-Compassion

We live in a world that has us sizing up how good we are doing. How we compare to others. How successful we are (or aren’t) compared to the next person. How many likes we get, how many followers sign up.

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It is easy to fall into the pit of comparison when metrics abound, sizing up how good we are doing.

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It’s not just social media either. Schools use rankings, so you know where you stand compared to your classmates. Even Duolingo has rankings that show how you’re doing. But what happens when a decent mood is ruined by the act of comparison? When we see how someone else is doing “better” than us and it makes us feel not good enough?

I think this is a moment when we need compassion instead of comparison. To put away the comparison and instead show kindness and self-compassion to ourselves. This can look like an internal pep talk that we give ourselves. Or it can look like writing down our insecurities and fears and challenging them with the truth (hopefully ushering in the pep talk).

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What we need instead of comparison is compassion. To acknowledge the accomplishments we have made, even if they fell short of the goal. To treat ourselves with the same kindness we would extend to a friend. I doubt you would beat your friend up the way you do yourself.

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Self-compassion does not mean we lie to ourselves or invoke some toxic positivity. Instead, it is allowing ourselves to move past the comparison mindset and embrace ourselves with gentleness. To give ourselves credit for what we are doing. To acknowledge how hard we are working. To see our strengths and talents with a clear perspective.

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For high achievers and perfectionists, this can be a momentous task because the bar is set pretty high and when they don’t meet the expectation set, they can feel like failures, even without comparing themselves to their neighbor. This is why self-compassion is an even more critical skill for high achievers.

Like skills, we may have to practice in order for the skill to improve. I frequently use the comparison of going to the gym. If it’s your first time at the gym, you may not be able to bench press 100 pounds or run for a long period of time. But eventually, with repeated visits to the gym, your muscles grow stronger and you get closer to your goal.

The same is true for psychological skills. Self-compassion is a skill we have to build, like an underdeveloped muscle. As we keep practicing, it becomes easier and more natural. The same is true for other skills like mindfulness, meditation, and emotion regulation.  

So the next time you feel discouraged or the sense of inadequacy and not being “good enough” rises up within you, take a moment and extend self-compassion. Acknowledge what you are doing. Take time to pat yourself on the back for all that you’ve accomplished. Consider journaling and compiling a list of your recent wins. And remember, when we compare ourselves, we usually underestimate how well we are doing and we overestimate how much better someone else is.

For other helpful tips, you can check out Kristen Neff’s book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.”

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