Self-Care
Self-Care is Holding on to Some of the Good for Yourself
November 25, 2025
— CHRISTINE SPARACINO
I had this pattern of giving all the good away. I would give and give. Often to the point of exhaustion. I have a large capacity (or I did once upon a time), one that was honed over a lifetime of people pleasing. So I could tolerate a lot and I had a lot to give. The problem was that my relationships were not reciprocal, not equal. No one was paying attention or curious about my needs. I was giving but not receiving. The people in my life were comfortable with my self-sacrifice and I didn’t expect or ask them to show up like I was showing up.
Thankfully I had a life-changing therapy session in 2020 when my therapist said “You give all the good away.” Those few words changed my life. I suddenly saw in that single moment how I was giving all of myself away, all of my good, and how it was bankrupting me. If only I had seen this pattern earlier in my life.
If you are someone who also gives a lot of good away, you may need to reconsider this economy. What does it cost you? Are you receiving in a manner equal to your output?
Most empaths I know are giving too much and finding themselves in cycles of depletion. They binge on self-care and the “good” in order to fill themselves back up, only to give it all away again.
What is giving all the good away for you?
For me, I would go on vacation and be in a completely depleted state as I boarded the plane. Often I was so exhausted that packing felt burdensome to the point that I didn’t even want to go. I would ease in to vacation after several days and begin to feel better. However once I returned home, I re-entered a fully loaded schedule with too many appointments and obligations. Could I have eased in and made people wait for appointments? Could I have protected my time a bit and thus my energy?
Most therapists (and non-therapists too) I know don’t do this - they don’t pace themselves. If they take time off, they try to squeeze all their clients in the week they are back. Usually in deference to the needs of the client rather than making them wait another week and attending to their own needs. Therapists often behave like they have unlimited energy and can simply refuel afterwards (often from being raised in neglectful families where they were quite comfortable having their needs ignored).
The mental health field and medical communities has a serious problem with expecting healthcare providers to sacrifice their well-being for their clients, and high burnout rates and turnover to prove it. What would happen if they said no, cared for their own needs before the needs of the client and allowed/permitted/tolerated the client’s displeasure? Heaven forbid, let the client figure out how to meet their own needs in the therapist’s absence (with some advance preparation of course).
When did we begin to feel that we must do it all, be all for everyone else?
I also gave all the good away by using all of my PTO to visit family. Trips to family were never really a vacation. When we return “home,” we inevitably step back into the family dynamics of our youth and the baggage associated with it. Regressing to childhood patterns was never a rejuvenating vacation.
Now vacations look like vacations. Trips taken to places that I am excited about. Activities that I am looking forward to. Less trips out of obligation or duty. I treat vacations like play, grown-up adult play, something that was missing from my life for many years.
How do you want to play on vacation?
I also gave all the good away by attending to the needs of other people when they hadn’t asked. I went out of my way, with my empathy at 100%, and attending to someone’s needs when they have not asked or when they could meet their own needs.
During the pandemic when there was no business travel and my husband was home for a year, I made weekday lunches for us. He wasn’t asking for this, and he is pretty independent and capable of taking care of himself. He also doesn’t expect me to cater to him. But armed with my empathy and sensitivity, I took it upon myself to meet his needs. I stressed myself out trying to plan lunches and dinners during the week. While my husband does reciprocate and meet my needs, I was still depleted from this behavior and spending energy where I did not need to.
Have you put a burden on yourself that you don’t need to?
So keeping some of the good for myself looks like…
As we head in to the holiday season, when our calendars passively become filled with activities, appointments, commitments, may we remember to hold on to some of the good for ourselves. May we remember our needs, our energy and capacity and what our nervous systems need.
