Sleepwalking

A few years ago, I was talking with a friend, discussing a book that we had both read. Our conversation took place in 2020, during the lockdown. It was a time when I was questioning my life, how I was living my days. In the book, an African proverb was quoted. “‘When death finds you, may it find you alive.”

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Survival mode

Six months prior, I had quit my job and opened my therapy practice. I was just starting out on my own, trying to build my business. When the pandemic came, I had to adjust my plans along with my expectations in a moment’s notice. The time in lockdown and this aptly timed proverb served as a catalyst in my life. My eyes were opened to the ways I had been living and working. I had been living in survival mode but calling it living. I had been going through the motions in my life, not realizing how numb I was. I was on autopilot. It was like I was sleepwalking.

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As a child, I used to sleepwalk. I did it quite frequently. I would leave my bed, wander downstairs (how I never fell down the stairs is a miracle!), and end up in the living room, incoherently muttering something to my parents who were watching TV. I was unaware of what I was doing, but it was not a dream. I was stumbling through sleep, unaware and unconscious. My parents would jolt me from my sleep, “You’re sleepwalking again Christine! Go back to bed!”

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Going through the motions

Here’s the thing about sleepwalking. It is often a sign of childhood trauma, a symptom of PTSD. When you sleep walk, you are active but not fully awake. Your movements are awkward and clumsy. You have limited awareness. You engage in “dream acting,” often talking aloud. Once you wake, you do not remember what you did while sleepwalking. This pretty much summed up my life before the pandemic. I was going through the motions. I was partially awake but not fully conscious. I was doing what was required of me, what was expected of me, but not fully aware. My awareness was dimmed by the “shoulds” of my life. I was running a business, working long hours. I was “productive,” and using my free time to engage in self-care in order to go back to my job the next week. I was cut off from my body, from my emotions and what they were trying to communicate. The worst part was that I thought I was fully aware. I did not know that I was sleepwalking. I thought I was awake.

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When the pandemic came, it was like I was being woken from my sleepwalking. This time though, instead of being shuttled back to bed to fall asleep, I forced myself to stay awake. I forced myself to inspect all the parts of my life and ask if they were working for me. I used my intuition to connect to my true desires. I asked myself tough questions - “Why am I doing this? Is it because I want to, or is it because I want to be liked?” “Does this fill me up or does it deplete me?” “Do I really want to say yes to this request or am I just people-pleasing?”

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How do you want to live?

Today, years later, I am still asking myself, “How am I living? How do I want to live? Am I really living?” I do not want to fall back to sleep, to slip into old patterns. I do not want to live life on someone else’s terms or find myself in survival mode.  Some days I think I have the answer to these questions. An answer that I’m comfortable with. Other days I wonder if I will lose myself again.

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How many of us are going through life in survival mode and calling it living? How many of us are simply going through the motions and pretending or hoping that it is a life?

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Postponed Living

Currently, my therapy practice is in Scottsdale, AZ and I work with many retired adults. Frequently, a client seeks out therapy due to new emotional duress on the heels of retirement. There is a pretty consistent pattern that unfolds. The client usually has taken early retirement. She had a successful career such as a lawyer or CFO. Her story unfolds predictably - long hours working, high pressured role, not enough time with family, not many hobbies, no concrete plans for retirement living. It was as if the plan for living was this magical place we call “Retirement,” this land to arrive to, but there were no plans for what the living would actually look like, how she would spend her days.

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The problem is that we have been sold a bill of goods:  Work hard. Contribute to a 401K. Take early retirement if you are lucky enough. But we get to retirement and do not recognize ourselves. Often when we retire, illness finds us. We have postponed living, and now all there is to do is live. But we do not know how and the depression descends. We feel lost. We do not know ourselves. Retired life is not what we thought it would be. We never gave serious thought to what our retired days would look like. The golden parachute has become a noose.

Are we postponing true living? Thinking we will get to it later in our lives when we have the time. Are we going through the motions because we are numb, burned out, because it is too painful to be fully alive? Are we white knuckling our way through our days?

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A Life Fully Alive

I think a lot about what it means to be fully alive. (It may look different for you.) For me, it means making the most of each day. I do not mean that from a productivity standpoint, but of thinking about what will light me up today. What will make me happy. Where I can find joy. Where there is enjoyment to be had. To be fully alive means not postponing living. Taking the trips. Using the nice linens. Doing it now rather than some imagined date in the future (which may never come). It means seizing the moment for myself, not just for duty and hard work. I decided that I do not want to get to the end of my life and say, “Well, I worked hard.” For me I want to say “I lived.” I lived a full life. I felt my feelings, all of them. I took the chances. I made mistakes. I learned and tried again. I took the trips when I could. I had all the experiences.

Have you been lost? Have you lost parts of yourself along the way? To your career? To your spouse? To your family? Are you going through the motions, safely on autopilot like I was? Are you holding your breath and calling it living? Or are you truly living, alive all over? What does living a life alive look like for you?

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How are you living, dearest reader?

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