The Only Way is Through

I have been thinking lately about emotional distress, the moment(s) when we are overcome with feelings and we lose a sense of control.  Most people do not like feeling out of control with emotions. We live in a culture that has influenced us to avoid certain feelings and remain in control of how we feel, no matter the cost.

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This often shows up in the therapy room. Clients arrive with the hope of feeling “less bad.” What they often desire is to feel only the “good” feelings and to banish the less desirable ones.

Let’s be honest, no one likes feeling bad. We don’t like feeling sad or depressed, or anxious and fearful, or angry and resentful. These are not feelings that we welcome in and delight with when they arrive.

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But what happens when we go to psychotherapy in the hopes of feeling better and somehow end up only feeling worse? When talking about our feelings only puts us in contact with them on a deeper level and we feel a bit worse than before we went to therapy? Is the therapist the problem? Is it the therapy? Or is it us?

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I’ll be honest - I’ve been in therapy since 1998. First it was couples therapy with my then-fiancee. Then when we called the engagement off, I started my own personal therapy and I have been going regularly since then.

I remember being in the midst of really difficult seasons. Calling off a wedding three months before the date was painful and the fallout that occurred with my family was even worse. My therapy sessions were painful and I was clinically depressed.

During that time, I often asked the therapist, “When does this get better? When do I move past this intolerable grief?”

Over the years, I have found myself in other difficult moments in therapy. Other seasons of life that were difficult, painful, and messy. Times in my life that I just would have liked to bypass, wondering where is the detour?

As I work with clients today, informed by my past experiences, I am reminded by my ever-loving therapist that the only way is through. There is no shortcut. No detour. No other way. If we want to feel better, we have to feel our feelings and work through them.

There is no magic wand or miracle solution that can change our emotional experience. (And this is not usually what we want to hear).

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In therapy, we don’t want to feel worse. We have reached out for help and we expect the help to feel good and to make us feel better. To provide relief for the suffering we are feeling. But often times, before it can get better, it often gets worse. We may experience unpleasant dreams as our unconscious tries to sort through our experiences. We may feel more distressed in sessions and afterward as we come in closer contact with our feelings and feel the full weight of them.

It can often feel worse before it feels better. This is the work of therapy.

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In order for us to arrive where we want to be, in a place with greater freedom from suffering, we often have to feel our feelings and work through them.

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In a culture that represses emotional expression, letting our feelings have “air time” and be talked about in therapy can be initially overwhelming. We are letting them out of a closely tight vault and the initial expression can be like a flood. But if we stick with it, the expression can ease up. We can find support and comfort in therapy. The intentions of the emotions eventually lessen and our emotional world becomes clearer and more understood. We can learn ways to regulate our emotions and ways to get through the painful parts.

The only way is through.

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The through part in therapy should look like support from your therapist. A discussion in how to temporarily survive the overwhelming emotions. It should look like a discussion on how to cope with emotional distress and how to self-soothe in moments.

If we stick with therapy and do the work, we will emerge with greater emotion-regulation skills. We will work out our problems and understand ourselves better and build self-esteem. We will know how to set healthier boundaries and step into a life that we have made intentionally that doesn’t repeat patterns from the past. This is the work of therapy, feeling our feelings and seeking greater self-understanding as a gateway to the life we truly desire.

And you don’t have to feel your feelings alone. Your therapist (or if you’re a client of mine - Me!) are here to support you. Here to comfort you. Here to guide you. Here to listen. Here in the trenches with you.

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