The Problem With Pretending You Have No Needs | The unmet needs that lead us to burnout

Over a lifetime, I learned not to ask for help. To try to figure it out myself. To struggle through behind closed doors but outside to pretend that I had it all together. To keep the facade of the Capable Christine.

Maybe it’s a Gen X thing - not wanting to let anyone see our weakness or vulnerability. Maybe it was because I was raised by perfectionist parents who expected self-sufficiency and excellence. Maybe it was because I saw how hard my father worked and I felt how burdened by mother was, so I adapted in a way that meant keeping my needs small.

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HIDING MY NEEDS IN CHILDHOOD

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The script in my childhood was pretty predictable. I would be given a school assignment that felt high stakes and out of my comfort zone. This led me to feel overwhelmed (aka afraid of failing) and because I stuffed most of my feelings under the surface, it would silently simmer until it became “too much” and an explosion would occur. The pot would boil over and all my feelings would come spilling out.

My mom did her best to comfort me. She would jump in and help me with the school project. Unfortunately her verbal attempts to comfort me often made me feel a bit worse. I heard “You’re so sensitive” too many times and learned that my sensitivity was something to be ashamed of. I vowed to keep my sensitivity locked away and to change who I was, believing that this part of me was inherently “bad.” Worse than that, I believed I was “needy,” a character trait to avoid at all costs.

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AN ADULT WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HAVING NEEDS

Repeated for years, I grew into an adult that was ashamed of her needs. Ashamed of who she was. A woman trying to prove to the world otherwise through a series of accomplishments, thinking that enough accolades would earn me approval. I grew into a woman who pretended she was super-woman, until I burned myself all the way out. Until I was a shell of a person. Until exhaustion was a frequent visitor knocking my door down.

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BURNOUT IS AN INTERESTING PROBLEM

Burnout is an interesting problem and there are many paths to it. For me, there have been two well-worn journeys. The first is when I set a large goal and then drive myself full speed without any pacing. I create such high stakes along the way, stakes that are pretty impossible to meet and I burnout myself out in the process of pushing too hard without any adjustments, gentleness, compromise.

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The second path is more well-worn. It is the burnout that is too common in helping professions. It is the problem of giving all the good away, of not keeping any for ourselves. Of doing too much without receiving enough back. An emotional bankruptcy if you will, or at least an energetic one.

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WHEN WE DON'T ASK FOR HELP

Helpers and Earth types don’t ask for help. They don’t want to be a bother. They are naturally gifted to sense the needs of others and respond astutely. But they have also learned that their needs often go unattended, that people aren’t there for them when they need or when the help they have asked for misses the mark. Through disappointments and letdowns, the helper learns to not ask for help.

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The Earth type frequently lives a life “on call,” their nervous systems perpetually sensing the needs of the people in the room and responding seamlessly. They unconsciously make themselves available for meeting the needs of others. That’s why so many Earth types are therapists. And nurses, physicians, and healthcare workers.

BURNOUT IN HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS

It is also why the empathic doctors usually leave direct patient care (while the ones with more narcissism survive); they burn themselves out and can’t continue in a field that depletes them. The rates of burnout in therapists is also extremely high. There is an estimated 40% of therapists who leave the profession, citing burnout. Some sources even report a rate as high as 60%.

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Our healthcare systems are modeled around the “Patient First.” It’s even part of the motto at Mayo Clinic where I briefly worked in 2019. If the patient comes first, what happens to the healthcare provider? What happens when they are used up and spit out? How do they replenish and refill?

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Systems like these even exhort the Earth type to give more. To take care of their needs “on their own time.”

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BLAMING THE VICTIM FOR BURNOUT

We have often blamed a lack of self-care, passed the blame directly on the person who “didn’t do a good enough job” in protecting themselves against burnout. But that explanation seems too simple. I think the real culprit is that we put the patient first and neglect the care giver. Even in systems other than healthcare.

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If the other person’s needs come first, if we as the helper are placed at the end of the list, if our needs are fawned off for the end of the day, what happens is the needs are just never addressed. The needs go neglected and abandoned. All the self-care in the world won’t fix this.

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The helper, empath, Earth type can only keep up with this pattern for so long before burnout sets up residence. And while self-care activities feel good, they don’t address the real problem. I did ALL the things. I took myself for massages, facials, exercise classes, art classes, cooking classes, happy hour with friends, hobbies and more.

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But what I really needed was to give less. To keep some of the good for myself. To consider my needs as I met the needs of others. To consider myself alongside considering what my patients need. To stop being ashamed of my needs. To let them breathe, exist, be acknowledged. To ask for help.

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What if we stop treating the helper as if they are super human? As if they don’t have needs?

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What if we encourage the helper to let their needs exist? To not shove them away? To even ask for help?

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Through a series of trial and error, I have figured out who I can ask to meet my needs. I have slowly, bit by bit, gotten comfortable with asking for what I need. For asserting myself. For requesting help. For not hiding myself in shame. For not pretending I can do it all without any consequence to myself.

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How about you? How do your needs feel for you? Are they wrapped in shame? Can you freely ask for what you need?

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