The Sneaky Problem of Resentment

I used to feel resentful but I didn’t know that’s what it was. Instead, the emotions I could name were frustrated or annoyed. As I talked through a problem with my therapist, I noticed my language and how the story unfolded for me.  But now I can see clearly that I was resentful. Frequently. Commonly. And it wasn’t frustrated or annoyed. It was resentment that I felt, difficult to admit out loud, let alone to myself.

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PRETENDING OUR FEELINGS AWAY

I would prefer to keep it a secret rather than tell you how often it happened. Resentment carries a bit of shame for me. Like good girls don’t get resentful kind of thinking. As if it’s a less desirable, “negative” emotion, in the range of acceptable feelings.

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You may wonder Why did you so frequently feel resentful and I’ll tell you.  It was in the every day moments. It was not the extraordinary but instead in the mundane, in the small moments.

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THE SMALL SEEDS OF RESENTMENT

At the holidays, I would agree (while internally feeling reluctant) to hosting. I prepared for my family’s arrival, cleaned sheets on the bed, everything neat and orderly. I planned out all the meals, taking attention to make it as special as possible. I did prep work in the kitchen ahead of time, and picked up family at the airport and brought them home. I spent their visit catering to their needs, being available and responsive, making sure they were happy (forgetting that I was not responsible for their happiness).

I did these things until they left and then I collapsed on the couch. And I noticed how annoyed I was (one of my safe words). I noticed how depleted my body felt. I noticed the comments that family made, the interactions we had and I replayed them in my mind.. I noticed how my needs, what I wanted, were largely ignored.

I did a good job caring for them but I forgot myself in the process. And the door to resentment was cracked open.

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WHY IT'S SO HARD TO ADMIT WE FEEL RESENTFUL

Most people I know are reluctant to admit when they feel resentful (again a badge of shame). And yet because of my experience, I can tell when they’re feeling resentful. I can hear it in the words they use, words like frustrated.

I think of tiny seeds being cast that flower into resentment. The seeds we don’t see being planted until they are fully blooming and we are knee deep in this uncomfortable feeling. A feeling that we would rather not admit to.

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RESENTMENT AND THE EMPATH / EARTH TYPE / HELPER

For the helper, the empath, the Earth type, resentment often happens subtly. It’s not a big parade announcing its arrival. Instead it’s in the small moments. Moments of self-abandonment. Moments of sacrificing our own needs to be supportive of the other person. Moments of self-denial, pretending we have no needs. Moments of inequity, when we have given so much of ourselves without enough in return.

WHY EMPATHS NEGLECT THEIR SELF-CARE

In The Five Element Solution, the author Jean Haner says,“Most Earth people consistently neglect their self care, not always in obvious ways but with small subtle choices as they go through their day.”

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This applies beyond what we typically think of as self-care. It is the smaller ways in which the helper gives too much without enough return that grows into resentment.

It’s not in the large ways that we abandon ourselves. It’s in the micro moments. The ways we extend ourselves when we really need rest. The ways we say yes when we would rather saying no. The ways we give so freely of ourselves without asking for much in return.

Haner goes on to say that it is the “…subtle little sacrifices each day that you don’t notice you’re doing.”  The empath is good at self-sacrifice. At meeting a need without much thought for themselves. At giving freely without concern of the cost. But the small sacrifices accumulate and resentment grows silently behind the scenes, out of awareness until we are in its throws.

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THE PROBLEM WITH GIVING EVERYTHING

The ways we give, the ways we help, the attentiveness we bring to our relationships is not inherently wrong. But if we are abandoning ourselves in the process, we are setting ourselves up for resentment.

I am speaking from my own life. For many years, most of my life actually, I gave freely without any real thought to my self. I figured that if I was helpful, if I was caring, if I was giving, it would be repaid to me.

But here’s the thing. It rarely did (and what did come back to me wasn’t enough to offset how many sacrifices I made). I gave to people who felt great by my self-sacrifice. In truth, they may not have seen it in those terms. But once their needs were met, they didn’t think much of mine. And I kept pretending that I had it all together, that I was superhuman and didn’t have needs.

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CAN WE HOLD ON TO MORE OF OURSELVES?

Resentment is sneaky for the empath. It’s in the small moments. The ways we help. The ways we give. The ways we go out of our way. And I wonder if this is empathy or if it’s really about people pleasing and self-abandonment.

What if we, as the helpers, took care of our needs WHILE we cared for others, keeping some balance, some equity, and in the process we protected ourselves from the resentment? What if we didn’t self-abandon in ways that inevitably lead to resentment? What if we noticed the small sacrifices and pulled back a bit?

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