To The Over-Responsible...I See You

I was born into responsibility - over-responsibility actually. Holding more than my share. Being responsible for it all.

It brings an extra level of seriousness to my life. I am almost always serious by default. The duty seeps into everything. Even my play becomes serious if I’m not careful.

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I was handed a lot of responsibility at an early age. I started babysitting my brothers when I was 6 years old, practically a baby myself. I had daily chores and weekly ones, expected to do my share. I bottle-fed kittens when I was 7 years old, responsible for keeping the litter alive. I took solo trips to war-torn El Salvador when I was 13, expected to fend for myself over the summer weeks. I was treated like a miniature adult.

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It wasn’t all bad - I am pretty independent as a result. But it wasn’t all good either. I have carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, feeling obligated for it all. Not only the parts assigned to me but the extras. The internal world of other people, their emotions, reactions, and experiences. I felt responsible if my parents were happy or sad. If they were angry or calm.

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I have spent my life orchestrating all the things. All the plans. Being on top of all the details. Not letting anything fall through the cracks. Thinking through every possible scenario. Planning for contingencies. Being the most responsible person in the room, ALWAYS.

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Over-responsibility has showed up in:

Every perfect grade

Every curfew met

Every babysitting job

Every bit of purity saved

Every mistake I avoided

Every rule I followed

Every time I said yes when the rest of me was screaming NO

Every sacrifice I made for someone else

Every pleasing (aka fawning) behavior

Every bit of pleasure squashed

Every time I showed up more than the other person

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I have carefully avoided all the mistakes I could. I have compromised and negotiated. I have sacrificed myself. I have held every piece together. I have denied my own needs and gone without. I have held myself accountable, even for things that weren’t my responsibility. I have punished myself for simple mistakes. I have beat myself up for being human. I have shamed myself for being less than perfect. I have burned out over and over for the sake of a job or a relationship.

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I have played it safe rather than chasing a dream, all in the name of responsibility. I have fawned and people pleased and acquiesced in order to be liked and to make sure that everyone is happy. I have made it okay for people in my life to do the bare minimum. I have pretended that I am fine even when I am not. I have made myself small in order to not offend someone else. In order to not scare them off.

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Where did it get me? What was all the obedience for? What did over-responsibility do for me?

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I can answer that one for you - it left me with one-sided relationships, rounded shoulders, and permanent knots in my back. It left me with unmet needs and a sick body. It gave me auto-immune diseases, physical reminders of the blurred lines between what is me and not me. It left me with anxiety and exhaustion. It tapped out all my resources.

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One day, I realized that my over-responsibility was a coping mechanism. A way to stay safe.

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When we are over-responsible, we feel responsible for the quality of the relationship. We feel liable for it all. How they experience us, how they experience the relationship, if their needs are met, if the relationship is satisfying to them, if they are disappointed by us… It’s all on us.

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Over-responsibility appears in the nagging voice that says…“Maybe I should show up more. Maybe I should text. Maybe I should make another visit. Maybe I should go out of my way to make sure X is happy or satisfied.” The other person is holding 10% of the responsibility for the relationship because we are holding 90. Or worse, we are doing 110% and the other person has -10%.

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I know relationships can’t be reduced to a simple math equation. Yet, with over-responsibility, the other person is blissfully unaware that we have made ourselves solely responsible for the quality of the relationship. AND how the person experiences us. How they feel when they are with us. We operate as if it’s under our control how other people feel.

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The reflex says “do more.” Show up more. Give more. Be more. More, more, more. Until we are depleted and crawling on our hands and knees searching for ways to fill ourselves back up. (Maybe that’s a bit dramatic but you know what I mean).

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Even in healthier relationships, over-responsibility looks like holding back. Containing our needs and not letting them show or slip out. Pretending we are a superhero and exist without any needs. We don’t ask for help. We don’t ask for what we need or even what we want.

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Over-responsible people had very few needs met as children so they had to meet their own needs AND also the needs of their caregivers who unknowingly placed their adult needs on the child. The child becomes so adept at meeting the needs of others while repressing their own needs.

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It is how the child survives. This is the origin story, how it starts. The pattern goes unchallenged, out of conscious awareness, often for a lifetime. At least until there is a breakdown, a burnout, a fracture.

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I’d like to be less serious. Less responsible. So here’s to throwing over-responsibility out the window. Let’s ditch the holding-more-than-my-fair-share. Burning it down. Tossing it aside. Here’s to only my share of responsibility. No matter the cost to our relationships.

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What if we let everyone hold their share of the responsibility? What if we stopped orchestrating? What if we played with abandon, lost ourselves to joy, and dared to be a little irresponsible?

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