What Self-Care is Not

News Update - The Wisdom Within workshop is starting in a just a couple weeks. Click on the link to get on the list. Spaces are limited! https://thewisdomwithin.my.canva.site/sales-page-the-wisdom-within

‍

Let me tell you what self-care is not. Self-care is not…

1. a get-out-of-jail-free card
2. a life raft saving you from burnout
3. a remedy for being depleted
4. a stop-gap for overworking
5. a cure for what ails you
6. an excuse to stay when all the signs are pointing for you to go
7. a fix to offload stress

‍

I searched for years to figure out what self-care is. What to put on the list. When to do it. How often. I already knew the why: You do it to take care of yourself. As a means to offload stress. As a way to replenish yourself. As a means to get filled back up. Because we are told to. Told that it’s a good practice. That if we don’t do it, we will burn out. That it’s a form of protection or insurance against burnout.

So like any good student I went about creating a repertoire of self-care for myself. I took a photography class at a local art school. Then another one at the local botanical garden. I bought equipment and tried to teach myself how to edit. I took photos in my free time, and I took my fancy new camera on vacations. I scheduled a facial each month. I did happy hour with coworkers. I joined a pilates studio and took morning classes before work. I planned trips. Read books. Dabbled (unsuccessfully) at scrapbooking. I watched TV cooking shows and recreated the recipes they made. I bought all the cooking equipment, pots and pans, cookbooks. I took cooking classes. I spent time in nature, took hikes and scouted new places like a nearby bird sanctuary and local trails. I planned activities on vacation - sightseeing tours, wine tastings, snorkeling trips. I took hydro classes at my local gym. I did yoga, downloaded meditation apps and spent time slow breathing.

I planted an herb garden and faithfully watered it every day. I took morning walks to start my day off right. I took mental health days away from work. I bought coloring books and attempted to color in the lines. I soaked in baths at the end of the day and bought myself fragrant bath salts and an inflated pillow while calming music played in the background and candlelight illuminated my bathroom. I participated in activities to do alone. Pampering ones. Educational ones. Learning new skills. I did activities with other people. Social ones. I scheduled things to look forward to. Things to blow off stress.

I did all the things.

I can tell you that none of these were the answer. Sure I was enjoying myself, but self-care was not the answer to what ailed me. Self-care is not:

1. the pampering you indulge in
2. a list of hobbies that you rotate through
3. a sentimental object on your work desk
4. an emotional savings account
5. a ripcord you pull before you crash and burn
6. an insurance policy protecting you from burnout
7. more activities on your calendar

The way we use self-care is like a bandaid, patching ourselves up before we run back into the fray. Therapists specifically are told to self-care because the work we do is difficult, because it takes a toll on the therapist. Because we are vicariously traumatized by the stories and struggles our clients share with us. Like somehow if we do enough self-care (what does “enough” look like? And who determines what is “enough?”), then we will not burn out. But if that is true, then why do so many clinicians burn out?

This is not just for therapists but medical professionals too. Nurses leave the field in droves. Burnout and suicide are so considerable that medical schools and residencies are required to provide mental health treatment. And yet, burnout is still occurring. Burnout is still a problem. Is it because the person does not have enough self-care? Because they have not done a good enough job? This is victim-blaming at its core. We blame and shame people in their burnout without addressing the real problem.

Years ago I knew a doctor who quit her practice and went to work for a pharmaceutical company where she would no longer be providing direct patient care. As we talked about her decision, she shared with me that she was burned out and that caring for her patients had exhausted her. I remarked that she was such a good doctor, that she listened to her patients and was caring and kind. She responded to me, “That’s the problem.”  And she’s not wrong. Most physicians working in clinical practice see 4-6 patients an hour. At the end of the day, they are drained not only physically but emotionally. There is something wrong with this picture.

Is it that the most sensitive, most caring, most empathic people are the most susceptible to burnout? It is often called “Compassion Fatigue” as if they are too tired and worn out to keep caring. Too exhausted to be compassionate. More gaslighting and blaming the victim ensues.

Self-care is not…

1. an apology for giving all the good away
2. permission to overextend yourself
3. a strategy for compassion fatigue
4. a band aid to stop the soul bleeding
5. an antidote for poor boundaries
6. a countermeasure for people pleasing
7. a solution for filling yourself back up

What if we took a class to learn a new hobby because we wanted to? Because of joy and delight alone. Not because we were trying to save our own lives. What if we went to happy hour for good food and laughs with coworkers? What if we did these things because we enjoyed them, not because we are hanging on for dear life.

Dearest Reader, are you using self-care as an excuse? Are you clinging for dear life? Are you saving any good for yourself?

‍