What’s Wrong with Binging on Self-Care?

I used to have this pattern. I pushed myself relentlessly and moved in ways that did not honor my sensitivity or empathy. I depleted myself and then did everything (also known as binging) to fill myself back up.

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s address the elephant in the room right away. Binging is a shameful word. It conjures up images of shameful eating, stuffing one’s face, of ravenous hunger, mostly emotional hunger. I’m going to use the word anyway as we talk about self-care, knowing full well that we have a negative association with the word.

THE PROBLEM WITH BINGING ON SELF-CARE

I spent years working for healthcare companies, commuting two hours a day and being depleted in the process. Those jobs cost me my health in the form of chronic sinus infections, migraines, and bronchitis, not to mention flu and yearly bugs that circulated throughout the office.

I spent years surrounded by coworkers that I had little in common with and had to engage in mindless small talk all day (though many of them were kind, enjoyable people). Small talk is just death for introverts.

Then I drove the hour+ to get home. If I had enough energy, I would squeeze in exercise. Often it looked like collapsing on the couch. After dinner, I would zone out in front of the TV, then head to bed early to repeat it all the next day.

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TRAPPED IN SYSTEMS WE CAN'T TOLERATE

The weekends looked like chores and trying to do as much “fun” activities as possible, to offset the demands of the job that often felt like a prison. I felt trapped in a system that I could barely tolerate. My work wasn’t enjoyable, it definitely wasn’t energizing, and I seemed to barely hang on.

I did this for years. I felt so exhausted, so worn out, and yet didn’t understand the energy demands of my soul or my body. I didn’t understand the energetic bankruptcy I was living through. It wasn’t just the job either - I was emotionally abandoning myself outside of work. I didn’t see all the ways that I was giving away energy, living out of rhythm with my body, and ignoring myself and my needs in the process.

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THE IRONY OF BEING A MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER

The ironic kicker to it all was that I had labored for this career for 9 years. I pursued being a psychologist for a decade and sacrificed my health in the process. Grad school felt like it almost killed me. I even had to take a semester off in the middle because I was too ill. Sinus infections, migraines, fatigue that I couldn’t seem to kick. I had my first case of shingles in my last year of school at the age of 32. My body continued to speak but I was too close to the finish line to abandon the journey.

And then once I had my first job as a full psychologist, the experience was lacking. Thankfully in private practice, I have no coworkers to tolerate, no potlucks to join, no small talk to make, no freezing germ-infested offices to commute long hours to, no arbitrary work hours.

But until I addressed some of the energy demands, how I made myself too available, too responsive, too empathic, my body continued to struggle. My health didn’t magically improve once I became my own boss.

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THE PROBLEM WAS MY MINDSET

I had this mindset that life and work would naturally deplete me and it was my job to fill myself back up. So I binged on self-care. I binged during the work day. I binged in the evenings and on the weekends. Whether it was running out to a nearby store on my lunch break to buy a treat for myself (typically chips or candy or some indulgence), or doing all the self-care after work.

I frequently binged to fill back up. It wasn’t the kind of binging that you see in eating disorders, but it was shameful nonetheless. I felt so stressed that I needed something external to regulate me. The self-care activities looked “healthy” and less shameful. But it was all binging. No other way to put it.

The binging brought shame upon me and it also didn’t work. It didn’t plug the whole of the depletion drain.

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THE CYCLE OF DEPLETION AND BINGING FOR THE EMPATH

If you’re an earth type or an empath, you may have found yourself in this cycle.

You take care of everyone. You are the one everyone comes to, who they talk to about their problems. You listen and provide support. You provide care. You are the most empathic person in the room. You give freely to everyone. You are the most grounded person in your family. You do the majority of the caring. You are naturally sensitive.

You give so much of yourself and the last person on your list is yourself. You attend so carefully to everyone else but your needs are often neglected. And you find yourself worn out, sometimes physically, often emotionally.

You do your best to fill back up, with as much self-care as possible. But the cravings come. The desire for sweets, for comfort foods. What you really need is deeper than this longing but your body disguises the cravings as food. What you really need is nurturing and the longing in your heart feels dangerous. In the meantime candy will do.

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PACING OURSELVES AND SELF-COMPASSION

Earth types frequently binge in an unconscious attempt to fill back up. The cycle looks like:  giving of ourselves —> depletion —>  emotional hunger leading to —> binging until there is some semblance of being “filled” to a state you can give from again. It’s like an addict’s cycle, the real problem never addressed.

What if we paced ourselves?

Put some safeguards around how much we give away?

Put ourselves higher on the list?

Pulled back a bit on how much we cared, how helpful we are?

Didn’t ignore our own needs?

More than anything, can we have compassion for ourselves, in the ways we have coped, in the love and care we have extended to others and the price we have paid?

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