When Anxiety Makes Me Freeze...and what I do about it

Lately I have been anxious. Not my usual low hum of worry, of thinking every detail through, but the “out-of-the-normal” anxiety. Waves of panic descend over me, crash on me out of nowhere. I will be sitting on the couch, and suddenly I am anxious, panicked. Worrisome thoughts intrude on my brain. “Will I have enough retirement income?…Will my husband get sick and die before we’re old?…Will my business fail?” I have been focused on the future, 10 years or more, like if we do not make the “right” decisions today, we are headed for disaster. The anxiety washes over me. My breathing shortens, my chest constricts. My natural response is to hold my breath, and that only makes the thoughts intensify. It is as if anxiety is speaking to me - “You need to figure this out. I think you’re making some mistakes.” Except I have no idea what the “mistake” actually is. Suddenly it feels as if doom is knocking down my door.

After a few days of this, I began to notice the pattern and wonder why this was happening. Why now? Where is this coming from? Why was I feeling like the bottom is going to fall out? Why did I feel like disaster is up ahead? Why was I suddenly worrying about my future and some catastrophe befalling me?

I hope you haven’t experienced this before, but I suspect you may have since you are still reading (and human).

Then today, a lightbulb went on. I saw the pattern and realized how unsafe I felt. I asked myself why. Why do I feel vulnerable? Why do I feel unsafe?  I grabbed my writing notebook and began jotting the answers down that came to me.  Three years ago, I rediscovered that if I write, free-form writing, where I pose a question to myself and allow the answers to be written down, uncensored and unedited, often I find some clarity. And clarity always helps me feel better. Once I can see the theme, the backstory, the explanation, once the mystery is solved, I can set out to find what I need in the moment.

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Searching for the source of my anxiety

Now this next part may be a little surprising. You may be shocked by my naiveté. There is that phrase that sometimes we are too close to something to see it clearly.  Well, that’s what happened to me. The events were too close to my face and my vision was blurry.

The answer to my question of why all this anxiety was revealed on the page. It was because I had a series of difficult events happen this year. On a single day in January to be precise. In one day, we were told that my mother-in-law died, my husband’s job was eliminated, and I had to abruptly close my office. These were big life events, accompanied by much loss and grief. In one day, my husband and I felt sadness over the loss of a parent, coupled with financial insecurity, wondering how things would work out.  The ground beneath us was shaken.

It is ironic that as a therapist, I did not expect the anxiety and panic to show up. That I was surprised by its arrival. I almost acted like life was normal, and that I was supposed to “bounce back” with little time for adjustment. But since January, I have felt unsure about the future, about where I am headed. I have adjusted to full-time virtual work again and how isolated it can make me feel. Thankfully, this writing practice illuminated what was too close to see.

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Tips for working with my anxiety

So here’s how I managed my anxiety, what I did once I figured out the why. These are ways I have learned to manage my anxiety in the most recent years.

1.  I write - free-write specifically - about anything and everything. It is a way to externalize all the bullshit in my head. I grab my notebook and unload. It is for my eyes only, so I can be as honest as I want. (I rarely re-read what I write. It is there if I ever feel compelled to look back.)  I do a brain dump every morning. Almost like a palate cleanser but for my mind and my emotions. Julia Cameron’s “morning pages” help me connect to my truest self. In the blank page, I can connect with myself, hear my voice emerge, get in tune with my head and my heart.

2.  I ask myself “What can I control? What CAN I do?” And I focus my attention there, to what I can control. I try to deep-breathe my way through the things I cannot control. Usually I focus on just the day ahead (usually just one day is enough to focus on when I am anxious). What are my appointments? What are the tasks I can accomplish? What steps can I take today? Where can I focus my energy for this one day? Today I did laundry and gave myself a home facial. I forced myself out of the house and bought some groceries.

3.  I cross tasks off my list. Based on what I identified in #2, I make a list of what to focus on for the day. As I take action, I mark the things off the list. It always makes me feel better, like I am making progress and moving forward. It does not matter how small the tasks may be. My daily list may include cleaning some room in my house, doing laundry, trimming my cat’s nails. The act of seeing the list, going through it item by item, and then seeing what I have completed shifts my perspective. I see that I am taking action on what I can control.

A list also helps if I am feeling overwhelmed. If there’s too much going on in my thoughts, a list helps externalize it. A list breaks it down into smaller pieces and then I can pace myself through it.

4.  I move my body. I do something. I do anything. I tell myself “Don’t just sit there paralyzed.” One of my main reflexes is to freeze (fight-or-flight response or in my case, freeze). I freeze often, unconsciously. So moving my body often helps get me out of that state. I get up. I take a walk. I water the flowers in the backyard. I fold the laundry. I make myself some lunch. Really any type of movement or activity works. It seems to divert my attention enough in the moment that I stop worrying.

5. Get out into the world among the people. I take myself out somewhere around people. The  coffee shop, maybe some errands, literally anywhere. Just out among people, so that my perspective can shit. I see people living their lives. I see life moving on despite my paralyzing anxiety. It reminds me that things will be okay, no matter what. There will be a way through even if another disaster finds me. It puts the worries residing in my head (that seem larger than life in the moment) into some perspective, like zooming out on a camera lens. I am not as hyper focused on a singular worry, as if something terrible is going to happen to me.

So these are my recent tricks. They don’t necessarily solve the anxiety or fix the problem. But they do bring some comfort in the moment and a good distraction. Here’s what I can rely on - the anxiety will return. It will not vanish forever. It will return like an unwelcome guest at my front door. It is not about making the anxiety disappear permanently. It is about finding my way through. About comforting and quieting myself in this moment. It is about supporting myself in ways available to me. The thing I can count on is that life will move on.

Dear reader, how do you manage your anxiety? What tricks have you developed over time?

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