Self-Care
Why I Believe Self-Care is a Myth
July 23, 2025
— CHRISTINE SPARACINO
I believe that self-care is a myth. That we have been sold a bill of goods. Trust me, I didn’t always think this. Instead, for years I peddled handouts of self-care suggestions to my patients. The kind of lists with 100 items listed as “Self-Care Activities.” Lists like:
I firmly believed this was self-care. That self-care was all the things you do to de-stress. Time and time, the books all said the same thing. “Mix and match the activities…..Choose one from each category…..Activities you do alone, ones you do socially, ones spent in nature…”
Not only did I believe this, but I practiced it in my own life. I cultivated a repertoire of different activities and ways to care for myself. I had my own exhaustive list for each scenario and setting. And yet…
And yet I was still burning out until I was flat on my back and had to disengage with the world in an attempt to put the fire out.
And yet I was perpetually depleted and wondering why I couldn’t hack it, why my life was so draining.
And yet I was white knuckling my way through life until my next vacation when I could throw off responsibility and try to fill myself back up.
And yet I began to hit road bumps in my own life. Large potholes. Illnesses. Deaths in my family. Pandemic chaos. More illness. No amount of self-care was working.
Which led me to read even more books (naturally) about self-care. Books about the resilient clinician. Books about helping the helper. They all said the same thing - Do these things to care for yourself. They all said that Self-care is something you do. An activity you engage in. None of these books or webinars (I watched those too) talked about the real reasons why we needed such great amounts of self-care. They did not talk about the real sources of depletion and burnout. What none of these books and webinars talked about was that these lists are coping strategies - how to cope with the difficult, how to cope with stress, how to self-regulate. But self-care, these lists are not.
I examined self-care more closely and began wondering if the way we think about it is all wrong. Upside down and inside out. This led me to believe that self-care is not something you do - Self-care is a way of life. It is not a list of activities to fill yourself back up. It is not a collection of habits to help you hang on for dear life. It is a different way of living.
The patients I see (and my old self) were running themselves into the ground with self-care. Instead of addressing the source, the intolerable jobs, the dysfunctional relationships, the unhealthy families. The toxicity that can exist in our lives seamlessly like an odorless gas - we do not even realize that it’s poisoning us, what it’s costing us, only that we need to do a better job of caring for ourselves. And so we fail and wonder what’s wrong with us. Or we live in survival mode, not thriving. We feel ashamed when we experience burnout and wonder why we aren’t resilient enough.
We all know that burnout is a very serious problem, one that we should try to avoid at all costs. The onus is placed back upon us to figure a way through self-care to tolerate the intolerable. But what happens when our tolerance runs out?
One day a client said to me, “Once all my family’s needs are met, then I can focus on what I need.” I’m not sure she realized what she was saying, how she was ignoring herself. Isn’t this a core belief in our culture - that the noble and virtuous way to live is to be sacrificial and care for everyone first, and then with what’s left over, care for ourselves. That if we meet our needs first, then we are selfish. (This is also the trap of motherhood). However, what usually happens is that everyone else’s needs do not end which means my client’s needs aren’t addressed and she is left silently suffering until her health crumbles or she emotionally collapses.
This is why the myth of self-care continues to be perpetuated in society. We are encouraged to keep giving of ourselves and to take care of others no matter the cost. We are trained (especially as women) to be self-sacrificial, like there is a prize waiting for us after a lifetime of self-abandonment. That it makes us virtuous, moral, and good.
It is the ways the helper and empath give herself away. By saying yes in an attempt to please the other person, even if it takes something away from her. It is in being attentive to the needs of others with such hyper-acuity and yet not attending or listening to her own needs. It is the downside of empathy, the curse of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). When we are giving away all of our good, we will always need more self-care activities to try to replenish ourselves.
For me, it was the subtle details. It was not the large boundary setting. It was the innocuous requests like my out-of-town parents asking to spend the holidays at my house when my introvert self really needed to take the time to recharge and not entertain or “be on.” It was the way in which people had access to me, too much access. The ways in which I did not guard my sensitivity. The ways in which I gave so freely of myself, never considering what it would cost me.
Self-care is not a list of activities to engage in. It is not the activities on your calendar. It is not a list handed to you by your therapist. Self-care is a way of living. It is a way of life.
Self-care as a way of life meant asking myself what I needed. “What do you need?” is a frequent question I ask myself. In this moment, in this day, in this life phase. And then meeting it…allowing myself to have my own needs met. Allowing for my own needs to exist BEFORE I go running off to meet someone else’s needs. Putting on my own oxygen mask first before helping someone with their’s. It means caring for my own needs first, remembering that I cannot give of myself from an empty place. (Despite the whispers in my head that say this was selfish.)
Self-care as a way of life looked like examining more closely the dysfunction in my own life. The ways I said yes when I really wanted to say no. The ways I continually pushed beyond my capacity. The ways in which I ignored my body, disregarded the signs and symptoms. The ways in which I only allowed rest when I felt I had deserved it. The ways in which I showed up for someone else’s needs though I knew it would cost me too much. The ways in which I didn’t take up enough space. The ways in which I didn’t ask anyone to meet my needs (because of course I was self-sufficient and used to meeting my own needs). The ways in which I sacrificed my self to care for someone else - they would have their needs met while I was out of gas, empty and exhausted.
Now I care for myself in my slow mornings when I respect my capacity. When I don’t over-schedule myself. When I don’t rush to help someone when they haven’t asked for my help to begin with.
I care for myself in not pushing myself as hard, by tolerating my imperfections, by listening to my body as it speaks. I manage my sensitivity of the emotions and needs of others. I allow the needs to be there without immediately running in to fix, help, soothe. I let myself tolerate letting others down and disappointing them when I say no to a request. I give myself wiggle room and enough grace to back out of a commitment if I need to. Caring for myself looks like listening to my intuition and letting it speak to me.
Self-care as a way of life asks:
What if we didn’t allow ourselves to be perpetually exhausted?
What if we saved some of our good for ourselves?
What if we respected our capacity?
What if we listened to our bodies, before illness strikes? Paid attention to the signs?
What if we allowed rest, even when we didn’t think we’ve done enough to deserve it?
What if we said “No” more often?
What if we stop rushing to meet the needs of others?
What if we allowed the discomfort of disappointing someone?
What if we took up more space?
What if we took a bath because it felt good, not because we’re hanging on for dear life?
What if we met our own needs like we meet the needs of others?
What if we were as attentive to our own needs as we are to the people around us?
What if we allowed others to find the answers and get their needs met, somewhere other than us?
