Self-Care
You're Allowed To Say No: Empaths, People-Pleasing, and Guilt
November 11, 2026
— CHRISTINE SPARACINO
We are entering the season when time seems to rush, like a fast moving river. The days get busier, the list of tasks grows, and the expectations around our time can feel overwhelming.
Around this time of year, the therapy sessions I have with clients revolve around how pressured they feel to meet the needs of their families. Often, it feels like an obligation that they can't turn down, and they spend time wondering if something is wrong with them or if they are selfish.
Often, people with high empathy and/or high sensitivity find themselves saying yes and making commitments that do not make them happy. It can be easy, over a lifetime, to pay more attention to the needs and desires of other people than to themselves.
In my job as a psychologist, I provide encouragement around setting boundaries. I like to think of it as handing out permission slips. In sessions, I help clients connect with what they want, what would make them happy or bring them peace (or both). Before we imagine how someone else will respond, it is important to identify what we really want.
For the empath, what would a joyful and peace holiday look like?
This is often the first part - identifying one's own desires and needs first, without judgment or fear of conflict.
It can be difficult for people to even acknowledge their own desires because the internal judge is already censoring their wishes before they have had the time to finish their sentence. “So and so won’t like it if you decline Christmas.” “Everyone will label you as selfish.” “It’s always been this way - you can upset things now.”
If we can get past the judge in our minds, we allow ourselves to identify what it is that we desire, and then we identify the request or boundary. Maybe it’s saying no. Maybe it’s changing your mind and backing out of what you already agreed to. This is about giving ourselves permission to do what we need and want even if that means disappointing someone else.
Last year, I wrote about the guilt people feel when setting a boundary. You can read it here.
The part that many people struggle with is tolerating the guilt. Once you have identified what you need and want, and have figured out what you would need to say no to, guilt wafts in through the open door.
Maybe it's guilt you feel for letting someone down. It could be the guilt trip your family hands out. No matter where the guilt comes from, self-growth is strengthening your tolerance of guilt.
The guilt after all is misguided, an errant signal. After all, you haven’t stolen from a store or committed a crime. You have simply counted yourself when making a commitment, and you are allowed to do what makes sense and support your body, emotions, and nervous system.
When we dare to set new boundaries and show up differently in relationships, there is an adjustment period for you and for the other parties. When you dare to take up more space or choose yourself in a moment, it can cause a ripple.
Can you get comfortable with the ripple and wait for the waters to settle?
Just because we feel uncomfortable saying no to someone, that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. Being uncomfortable is not always a problem to be fixed.
I hope you think of this as your permission slip to check in with yourself during this season, to ask yourself what would make you happy, and to care for yourself while caring for others.
